Sunday
Dec252016

Chex Mix

Sit down for a seond, and let me tell you something real quick...

If I had to pick one ingredient, I'd say my favorite part of the Chex Mix is the Rice Chex. I really don't like pretzels in my Chex Mix, but I tolerate them. Because without the occasional pretzel I don't think the toasted Rice Chex would be as exciting. My favorite part of Gardetto's Snack Mix are the little rye chips. Due to their popularity, eventually Gardetto's came out with a bag of nothing but rye chips. Sure enough, after about 3 bites I started to grow really tired of rye chips. They just didn't taste as good. It was too much rye. I missed the other stuff, even the stuff I didn't like. A couple years ago I bought a bag of pistachios without the shells. Yeah, I got tired of those really quick, too. There's something satisfying about the minute amount of labor involved with every crack of a pistachio shell. Having the pistachios handed to me on a silver platter, well... frankly... it sucked. They just weren't as good. So remember to be thankful for all the pretzels and the pistachio shells, and all the things that give us gauges for which to measure the good stuff.  A world full of nothing but rye chips isn't a world I want to live in.

Monday
Apr042016

don't let ANYONE tell you that you aren't smart enough
or that you're not capable
or that you don't have "what it takes"

to use coupons at the grocery store.

seriously, ANYONE can do it. 
just make sure the coupons aren't expired. 

Monday
Apr042016

the rules say:
DON'T RUN WITH SCISSORS.
but what about really sharp, pointy sticks? like chopsticks?
what do they say about those?
it seems like they never updated the rule book.
i think it's the same book they've
been using since scissors were first invented and
sharp things simply didn't exist until then.

the rules also say:
DON'T USE A HAIR DRYER IN THE BATHTUB.
why would you ever do this?

DON'T EAT BEFORE SWIMMING.
what about during?

DON'T RUN NEXT TO THE POOL.
what if i'm being chased by a rapist?

DON'T STICK ANYTHING INTO THE MOUTH OF
SOMEONE HAVING A SEIZURE.
it never occured to me to do this.
now i'm super curious.

DON'T CRY OVER SPILLED MILK.
what if the milk killed my brother?

ALWAYS LET SLEEPING DOS LIE.
what if they're sleeping on your arm and
cutting off the circulation?






 

Monday
Apr042016

it could be low testosterone.
it could be depression.
it could be allergies.
it could be heart disease.
it could be cancer.
it could be a lack of _______.
it could be too much _______.
it could be the humidity.
it could be anxiety.
it could be money.
it could be love... or the lack thereof.
it could be dehydration.
it could be dry skin.
it could be withdrawal.
it could be anger.
it could be loneliness.
it could be regret.
it could be the guilt.
it could be the food.
it could be the spiders.
it could be the bones.
it could be the muscles.
it could be the neighbors.

or it could just be regular fucking life.

ugh.

Sunday
Dec202015

The Things you Are!

you're the cutest hog on the pig farm.
you're the cleanest bum by the bridge.
you're the nicest rapist in prison.
you're the hottest milk in the fridge.

and of all the horrible things there are,
you're the best of those horrible things.
the most elegant drunk in Reno,
with the squeakiest mattress springs.