Fancy Ketchup!

I bet girls hate catching their purse straps on doorknobs
as much as I hate catching my beard in old, rusty beard clippers made in 1812.

Sometimes, I think about life and the Universe and
how insignificant we all are
and that makes me feel better about stealing from others.

The secret ingredient in Fancy Ketchup is... shhhh...
regular ketchup.

What happened to the good ol' days when
campfires were something special,
and Friday night at the lake was a fun place to take a date,
and men could make women do anything they wanted,
and I wasn't constantly being convicted of rape and arson?

When I eat out I always make sure to order a DIET coke
with all my cheeseburgers.

Lately, when someone asks me my name
and I genuinely can't remember it,
I just hand the application back and say:
"I'm too drunk to be applying for this job right now."

Back in the Cretaceous era,
I bet DVD players were a lot simpler
and didn't require a remote to navigate the menus.
They probably had all the necessary buttons right there on the unit itself.

I sure wish my pets would die of NATURAL causes
instead of by starvation and dehydration.

If I ever get two dogs, I am going to name the white dog RICE and the brown dog BEANS. If I ever get two children, I'm going to name the smart child THE CHOSEN ONE and the dumb child WHISKERS.

If you ever get pulled over by the police, and an officer approaches your window, a funny response would be: "Officer... I'm in paradise right now.  You're lucky I stopped."